When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he turned her down, saying: “Your salary is already higher than that of the secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.”
“Excuse me,” the efficient woman replied, “I thought we got paid for what we produce here — not for what we produce at home in our own time.”
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An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified — an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine who of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know?” Dave, the American, replied, “A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning that it’s on the way; it’s just there. A THOUGHT is the fastest thing I know of.”
“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.
“And now you sir?” he asked Vladimir , the Russian.
“Hmm… Let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.”
“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular clich? for speed.”
He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.”
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light” he said.
Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, “Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et’s ob yus to me dat the fastest thing is Diarrhea.”
“WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats…
“Oh, I can expleyn sir,.” said Eleuterio. “You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the CR, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, ‘t*ng ‘n*, sir, I had alreydi s**t in my pants!“
This is a conversation taking place between two people who have committed the biggest mistake of their life. Well, I mean to say- “THEY ARE MARRIED”.
A software Engineer writes…
Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance ‘n’ Drunk 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the UN-install does not work on this program.
Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error “General Protection Fault in module House Security. The Un-installation will abort.”
Can you help me, please!!!
A reply…
Dear Software Engineer,
Ref: Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.
Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.
It is impossible to UN-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed.
You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under “Warnings-Alimony/Child Support” which was given to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself; I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).
Best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In fact I would suggest u to use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.
I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5 which will improve the performance of Wife1.0.
Do not, under any circumstances, install Visual Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.
This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Recent Survey says that Add-On software’s like Visual Sari 2.0, Diamond Necklace3.0, Holidays 1.0 are the best Third Party tools that supports Wife 1.0 program to run smoothly and effectively.
Please let me know what you feel about it?
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TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
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You sell one and buy a bull.
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You sell them and retire on the income.
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You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
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You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called ‘Cowkimon’ and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch and forget about the cows
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
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You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre. Then midway t hrough, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply. When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister with all the shit around him.
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You have two cows.
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